Why You People-Please
The Fawn Response and Neurodivergence
I had a little epiphany that blew my tiny spicy mind last night while doing my usual nightly journal sesh.
So this week, we’re mixing things up, and I’m going to ask you a question...
What’s your fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response?
Now, I know what those mean, but I’d never really stopped to think about how 'fawn' shows up for me.
If you’re not sure what the heck I’m on about, here’s a mini breakdown...
The Four Fs
These responses are part of our sympathetic nervous system, basically, how our body reacts to danger. (The parasympathetic handles the ‘rest and digest’ bit.)
We all know fight or flight, right? Freeze is sort of self-explanatory too.
But fawn?
"What the heck is that?" I hear you say.
And this... is where things got interesting.
According to Psychology Today, fawning is...
👉 A survival strategy observed in individuals who have experienced trauma. It involves immediately moving to try to please others to avoid conflict or harm.
A.K.A. people pleasing.
💥 Cue my spicy little brain diving down a rabbit hole, tablet glow lighting up my face an hour after promising myself an early night.
And then I realised...
Masking = Fawning for Neurodivergent Brains
If you’re neurodivergent (and even if you're not), there’s another word that encompasses all this people-pleasing and shape-shifting...
Masking.
It’s our survival instinct, especially as late-diagnosed spicy people, and it can be exhausting.
For me, fawning has looked like...
- Prioritising others' needs over my own
- Bottling up my true feelings to maintain peace
- Overcommitting or overachieving to prove my worth
- Mimicking neurotypical social cues to gain acceptance
Now I’ve got you head-bobbing eh?
I bet some of this hit you in the feels.
Because, as women and people who bleed, we’ve been taught to fawn too.
We've been taught to be tiny
We make ourselves smaller, "less of a bother", and we never ask for help.
Because doing so might risk our safety or belonging.
When who we are is met with criticism, like being labelled...
- Too sensitive
- Too intense
- Too chatty
- Too emotional
- Too much
W e safeguard ourselves by becoming a doormat...
'Sure, come in, wipe your feet, have a seat, I'll make you a brew'.
It’s our defence mechanism to avoid speaking up or standing out.
We learned from an early age not to have a voice...
Don’t be loud
Don’t be bossy
Don't be talkative
And Then Perimenopause Hits...
...and you’re left wondering who the hell you even are anymore.
You're tired, you're overwhelmed, and you're holding the broken pieces of a life you used to keep glued together.
I don’t even need to tell you the impact this has in professional spaces, do I?
- Reluctance to voice differing opinions.
- Overworking to meet unspoken expectations
- Avoiding feedback or conflict at all costs
So, What Can We Do?
If you’re still nodding along, here’s what’s helping me (and maybe it’ll help you too)...
Start small.
You don’t have to go straight to the big, vulnerable asks. Start with things that feel mildly uncomfortable and build from there.
Reframe it as giving others a chance to show up
You might have spent so long protecting yourself from disappointment, but some people *actually* want to support you, you just haven’t let them (this is the cringe one amiright?)
Challenge the ‘earn it’ mindset.
You do not have to be falling apart to deserve rest, help, or softness.
Unmasking Isn’t Instant
It's not about suddenly being ok with needing support.
It’s about learning to sit with the discomfort of being seen in your needs, without abandoning yourself (ponder over that one for a hot sec).
You were never a “no-needs” person.
You were just someone who wasn’t getting their needs met.
And that was never your fault. 🩷
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