Why Can’t You Tell Me What’s Wrong?
⬆️ This question was one of the longest-running arguments I’ve ever had (13 years and counting) with my very patient partner.
It went something like this…
Me: Uncontrollable tears
Matthias: What’s wrong?
Me: I don’t know.
Matthias: So, how can I help?
Me: I don’t know.
Repeat. Forever.
Then more tears. More frustration (on both sides).
Because I wanted to answer him.
I just… couldn’t.
Meltdowns & Overwhelm
I recently wrote a blog on autistic burnout (big fun snot-fest, would not recommend), you’ll know that meltdowns are…
-
Uncontrollable
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Unpredictable
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Unwanted
Often accompanied by a healthy dose of guilt and shame post-drama.
But they’re just part of processing overwhelm.
Like a pan boiling over.
The energy just needs somewhere to go.
Think: Energy Spill.
Losing Words
The bit I didn’t share (because I thought this deserved some airtime all by itself) was this...
Meltdowns often come with the loss of the ability to verbalise what's going on.
Many autistic people also experience alexithymia (and a decent chunk of ADHDers too), which means we might not be able to name how we feel in the moment.
It literally means “no words for emotions.”
Sometimes not for hours.
Or days.
Or ever.
It’s not that we won’t tell you what’s wrong… it’s that we literally can’t.
Mix that with delayed emotional processing, maybe some executive dysfunction, sprinkle in a hormonal dip for good measure… and it’s a perfect storm.
Sometimes the only answer I’ve got is...
“I don’t know.”
So this was a revelation to me!
For the longest time, I thought that meant I was cold, or unfeeling, or just a bad partner.
But it doesn’t.
It means I need time.
Now I’ve explained that to Matthias, that I will be able to talk about things, just not always in the moment, we’ve finally ended a decade of going in circles.
sighs relief
What About at Work?
It’s one thing to manage this with friends and family, but what about at work?
If your neurodivergent team member says, “I don’t know what I need,” believe them.
They’re not being awkward. They’re being honest.
Here are a few ways to support your neuro-sparkly people…
🧠 Don’t push - Pressure to answer now just shuts everything down.
🧠 Give time - If someone says “I don’t know,” take that at face value. They might actually not know.
🧠 Offer multiple choice - “Would X, Y or Z be helpful?” is so much easier to process than “What do you need?”
🧠 Circle back later - Processing can take hours or days. A gentle “Have you had any more thoughts?” can go a long way.
Shifts Across the Cycle
These traits don’t always show up the same way every day.
The way you process (or don’t process) emotions can shift across your cycle.
In some phases, people might find it easier to speak up.
Other times, the words just don’t come.
Emotional regulation, sensory tolerance, and focus all shift with hormonal changes.
This is exactly why I include a feelings wheel in all my cycle charting tools, to help you find the words that fit how you feel.
Not just for neurodivergent folks either.
Anyone can struggle to express what they’re feeling, especially when their internal landscape changes week to week.
Finding the Pattern
If you’re charting your cycle, start noting when things like shutdown, emotional flooding, or “I don’t know” responses come up.
There’s usually a pattern.
Once you can see it, you can work with it.
There’s no shame in needing time (or a heads-up from your cycle charting).
The more you track it, the easier it is to stop making it mean something it doesn’t.
Found this helpful?
Get your FREE Neuro Spicy Trait Tracker here to spot patterns across your cycle.
Or if you’d like more tailored support, you can explore my 1:1 coaching for neurodivergent peeps here to untangle the overwhelm and create strategies that actually work for you.
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