Why transitions feel so hard when you're neurodivergent and hormonal

I've been talking a lot about transitions this week, partly because I've just come out of one myself after a mini break and partly because it keeps coming up in conversation.

More than one person has said to me recently that changing from one thing to another feels disproportionately hard. And it's not necessarily big life drama either, just small things that suddenly feel harder than they should be.

And it isn't just a neurodivergent thing. Change costs everyone energy, but some nervous systems feel it louder.

So this week I am answering...

"Why does changing from one thing to another feel completely dysregulating? Even when it's something good?"

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The Alps, the sofa, and two days in bed

It reminded me of a scenario earlier this year, going to the Alps for the month.

Leaving for France felt hard, and even though I was excited, arriving there felt equally hard. I barely moved off the sofa for the first day, and it took a week before I properly settled.

Then, of course, I had an amazing time, which meant five weeks later, coming home felt hard in reverse.

Yes, I was sad to leave the Alps, anyone would be coming back to England's grey days, but it was the way it was, particularly dysregulating.

I spent two bad days in bed, feeling really anxious and overwhelmed about everything I had to do after I got home, and my social battery hit zero.

Friends, two things can be true at the same time. I was excited to go, but struggled with the shift, and was equally ready to come home to my own bed, but sad to leave.

But we're conditioned to see happy as good and sad as bad, but our emotions aren't binary like that.

That's something I've understood much more clearly since recognising my neurodivergence... that you can feel clarity and chaos, gratitude and grief and excitement and resistance all at once.

That doesn't mean you're ungrateful. It just means you're a human experiencing the full complexity of emotion.

And processing that has felt particularly loud for me this year.

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The cycle piece nobody talks about

It's also not lost on me that for the fourth year running, my period arrived either just before travelling out to France or just after travelling home. Which means I've travelled in the luteal phase every time.

That explains a lot.

These transitions landed at a point in my cycle when my hormones were lower, and my tolerance was thinner, so of course, they felt wobblier.

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🧠 Science snack

Transitions are executive function in action. It's stopping one thing, starting another, switching attention, and regulating the emotional wobble that comes with it.

You've also got to hold the steps in your head while you do it. That's task switching and task initiation working together, and for neurodivergent brains, that takes more cognitive load.

If I'm deep down a rabbit hole in hyperfocus and someone interrupts me, my whole body can react. Because my brain doesn't shift gears instantly, it takes processing time.

Hyperfocus is a regulated state with dopamine flowing, your attention locked in, and everything feeling contained. Coming out of that can create a noticeable dopamine drop.

But it's not just hyperfocus. It's the same mechanism whether you're moving from bed to shower, work to dinner, house to outside, or holiday to home. Every transition asks your brain to disengage, reorient and regulate.

Now add in hormones.

Estrogen supports dopamine accessibility, and dopamine supports motivation, reward and cognitive flexibility. In a typical cycle, rising estrogen in the follicular phase (1st cycle half) can make starting and switching tasks feel smoother. In the luteal phase (2nd cycle half), estrogen drops, which can make everything feel heavier, slower and more effortful.

In perimenopause, estrogen fluctuates rather than following a neat curve, so dopamine isn't as steady. That can make task initiation inconsistent, emotional regulation wonkier, and transitions more destabilising than they used to be.

And that changes how we handle the small stuff, too.

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What's actually helped me

My regular morning ablutions have always been a bit of a challenge for me. Not because of sensory issues, but because of the steps. It's always felt stressful, like there are too many moving parts before I've even had a cup of coffee.

So instead of trying to brute-force my way through it, I've started designing the transition differently.

Here are a few things that have genuinely helped...

1. Carry something regulating through the transition

Showering used to make me feel stressed. Now I start watching something on my phone or tablet before I get in and let it run while I shower and get ready. Same with cooking, I pair it with Netflix or a podcast.

Now, this is not about distraction or numbing, it's alllllllll about layering. You're carrying something steady with you while you move from one state to another, so the shift doesn't feel so abrupt.

You're not avoiding the transition, you're cushioning it.

2. Soften big landings

When we travel, I take my mug, my fave spoon and fork, my blanket and other sensory goodies.

Familiar sensory stuff makes a new place feel less jangly. Your nervous system recognises something, and that recognition buys you breathing room.

3. Borrow momentum

Body doubling has been a huge revelation for me.

I love being part of Kirsty Baggs Morgan's ADH(R)D community, and we have regular body doubling sessions throughout the week. They're brilliant for accountability.

Because it's never really about the willpower to do the thing, it's about reducing the friction at the start and having other people there while you do it.

There's also the science of mirroring. When you can see people working, your brain naturally mimics that state.

And on days when task initiation feels like wading through mud, that's incredibly helpful.

4. Cycle mapping

This has been the biggest shift for me.

When I can see I'm in my luteal, or that my hormones have been doing their own psychopathic dance, I pace differently. Instead of forcing myself back to 'normal' (whatever that looks like), I took it in bite-sized chunks and let my system catch up.

This is where habit stacking comes in.

Attach the new micro-habit to something that already happens. You stack them so they travel together.

You're reducing the number of fresh transitions your brain has to manage.

And over time, it stops feeling like a separate effort.

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This is just information

Transitions cost everybody energy, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

If you're neurodivergent and in your forties, they can catch you completely off guard. Particularly in a hormonally wonky patch, they can make things feel disproportionately hard.

Those reactions make complete sense when you know what's driving them.

They're just your body saying, "I need a minute." Not "push harder", not "try better", just "slow down so I can catch up."

Those signals aren't there to be muscled through. They're part of the ongoing negotiation between your brain, hormones and nervous system.

One of the biggest shifts for me in my forties has been treating my body and system with a whole bunch more kindness.

Some days you'll get it right, and some times you'll end up in bed for two days, and both of those versions of you are ok! One just has less spoons than the other.

If this resonates and you want to work out what it looks like for you specifically, you can find out more about my one-to-one coaching here.